sarcasm needs its own font
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You can't just leave with hair like that
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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