Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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