i think my mom watched the whole time
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
