Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
