now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
