May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
