Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
