I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
