WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
