fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize