Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
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I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
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The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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