Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
