so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
