John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
