you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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