I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
