i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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