I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
