You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
