oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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