I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
