god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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