i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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