dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
