I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
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I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
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You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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