i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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