FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
