i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
