Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We don't watch enough power rangers
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
