Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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