Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
