I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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