Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
