fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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