My balls are so social today.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
