When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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