im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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