Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
