Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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