she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
