This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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