all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
