i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
