I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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