I wish my penis had an off switch
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
