I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
