My boss' voice literally gives me gas
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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