My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize
