just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
