census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
