When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
