Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
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Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize