She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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