WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
