She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
