My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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