i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
