Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Randomize
